Constant Craving

Hmmm... there has been times over the last month when I've considered that trying to do celebacy and quitting smoking at the same time is a bit much of an ask of my poor little old will power. Maybe I'll take up biting my nails (celebacy has meant that I'm allowing them to grow past fisting length).

I have a feeling that I have some unexplored stuff that needs to be finished from my last Saturn return (which is supposed to occur between 28 and 30 - so not too far out) so until those issues appear to be adequately dealt with, I'm happy to go for the safe option of having a shag-free time. In the mean time, I continue to have strange run-ins with exs (ex bonks and ex partners) which at least demonstrates that I've moved on, somewhat. I don't know why all this feels so significant, I just seem to be convinced that all the ghosts haunting me are echos of a past I will be soon closing the door on, and moving into the next phase of my life. It's an exciting thought, and it will be even nicer to be moving into that phase without smoking.

During this time (probably as a distraction from cravings) I've been thinking a lot about withdrawl from sex, nicotine, and lurve. They are very similar feelings. The low dopamine levels experienced when removing either of these elements can leave one feeling empty and needy and looking for an encounter with the appropriate substance in order to take the edge off and to feel all contented and at peace. Breaking that cycle can take quite a while - and much self disapline (something I never enjoy exerting). However, I'd rather spend the time learning to do without the substance than be fucking, in a relationship or smoking to prop up my dopamine levels. Dopamine levels can also be enhanced by long walks, bouncing, laughing, watching great performance, costumes, spending time with those who add to my thinking, hanging out with animals of the non human variety and watching Sesame Street. It can be easier to avoid unwise sex, unwise relationships (and always unwise) smoking if I remeber that what I am experiencing is simply my neurochemistry being out of whack, knowing I can do other things to stimulate a healthier high.