INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS ART EXHIBITION

SEX WORKER PARTICIPATION CALL OUT!!!

INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS ART EXHIBITION

For International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers in Sydney this year we are putting on an art exhibition at artist run gallery, Little Fish in Newtown to celebrate the creative resistance we have within our community to the violence and stigma we are threatened with due to our work.

You don’t have to be an “artist” to make something – we are all artists!!! You just have to be a sex worker who wants to participate! Anything for the exhibition made by a sex worker is relevant and amazing because this event is about us making a space for our own voices on our own issues!

So send us your photos, collage, comic, poem, film, sculpture, painting, prints, drawings and multimedia art!!!!

If you are in Sydney email us to let us know that you have something for the exhibition and we can organize for you to drop it off on the day, and if you live somewhere else email and we will work out a postage situation!

Art that is specifically themed around sex work or ending violence against sex workers would be really extra great but all art submitted by sex workers will be happily displayed!

Art Submission deadline: December 15^th

Exhibition Date: December 17^th 6pm at Little Fish Gallery, 22 Enmore Rd Newtown Sydney

Forward this call out email to your sex worker friends and colleagues! Do it for the LOVE!!!!

EMAIL: minorcalyxa@gmail.com

The exhibition is open to all sex worker friendly people so invite everyone!

Milk and Activist thoughts

I saw the film Milk last week, and I was so moved by it, and thought it was so very good. Harvey Milk was someone that I learned about when I first became interested in queer rights as a teenager, but whom I haven't thought much about for about 15 years. I was reminded how much of the core issues of the (1970s) gay lib movement’s agenda was set by Harvey (and probably others). Many of these agenda items are still vitally relevant to queer causes and communities, as well as other minorities today. I’m going to briefly mention three issues that I was most struck by during the movie

The enormous political value of coming out – although I understand why so many of us will never be able to… particularly many sex workers, who are often parents who risk hideous custody battles and other issues – it does seem clear that knowing someone who identifies as gay or lesbian (in the context of the film, and research that I can’t remember enough to site here, but read many years ago) makes you more likely to support anti-discrimination legislation or same sex relationship legislation. Certainly people in my own life seem to grow in support and passion for sex worker rights issues, than if they’d never known that I was a sex worker. So while I don’t think that you have to be out, I stand by the belief that it’s a useful strategy for increasing awareness, combating stereotypes and increasing support for minorities.

The understanding of the importance of electing openly gay people to office – I think that issue is still own that the sex worker movement battles with. Harvey Milk struggled to get endorsement as a political candidate, in the gay press, who preferred to support str8 candidates who expressed support for gay rights. I think as a movement the sex worker rights movement needs to realise that sex workers are experts in our own lives and work, that when the going gets tough we will still maintain our passion for these issues that impact on our communities. I’m so sick and tired of non-whores being supported for roles in the movement by sex workers, in order to present our issues and organisation with more credibility. Frankly, all of those beliefs emerge from unexamined internalised whore stigma. Before we get another lawyer who understands the letter of the law but not its impacts (or policing), another accountant who is all about sex workers paying tax but doesn’t understand the kind of confidentiality issues that we struggle with at the ATO, another doctor who pays lip service to sex workers as safe sex experts but pushes sexual health testing and sees sex workers as walking genitals, we need to realise that there are many sex workers who have other life and work experiences if we need those qualifications, and that we need to start believing ourselves that we are the experts when it comes to sex work, before we can convince politicians or funders. I see this issue emerge again and again, and not just with the sex worker rights movement, but with most marginalised people. Steps towards self esteem, and regular reality checks by spending time with inspiring folk from your own community can help what unfortunately often just appears to be self hating approval seeking.

The final thing I was struck by in Milk was the power of successfully creating coalitions. Milk worked on making links between union movements and gays – gaining support among the gay community for a union boycott, then got the union support for employing openly gay people. This partnership of support is a really good model for increasing the politicisation for communities and avoiding the divide and conquer approach that minorities can be so seduced by. I think partnerships with clearly defined ideas of how communities can work together to support each other, without stepping on toes are important.

Adventures with gender

As one of my femme identities is that of drag queen - emphasising that there is nothing natural about most people's performance of femininity - regardless of what is on their birth certificates, I don't mind not passing as a woman - I do most of the times, but in particular environments (particularly about a decade ago in Adelaide, where dyke spaces were a sea of jeans, waistcoats and short hair), with very big eyelashes, heels and hair, I have had people approach me and tell me that I tuck really well, and ask if I'm on hormones yet.

.... I am going somewhere with this.....

Some of the definitions I've heard for the term woman/ womyn/ wombmoon from separatist feminists leave me out - sometimes the definitions end up being more a list of 'acceptable' sex practices, uniforms and political views, more than anything else. I certainly don't fit those definitions - despite an "F" on my birth certificate, XX chromosomes, a menstruating uterus and other traditionally associated body parts.

Being punched once in 'women's space' (it's a long story) and having a femme ex of my abused for having long hair and a skirt at an International Lesbian Day dance, I long ago decided that 'safe women's space' often wasn't all that safe a space for me. Diversity is occasionally paid lip service to - with perfume-free policies for those with chemical sensitivity, alcohol-free space those with substance use issues, and lip service paid to issues of racism and classism - as long as working class women don't want to work on class issues with working class men, or women of colour don't want to organise with men of colour, homophobia is spoken about but gay men are still men ..... Often women's spaces become hijacked with a particular fundamentalist feminism that is so narrow and prescriptive that it lacks relevance to all but a minority of women.

Those of you that know me well will probably know that I am utterly obsessed with labels. While I am a fan of many aspects of pomo discourse, who gets to call themselves what, and how labels and identity allow us to work together, to unify and to create boundaries are issues I find immensely meaningful. This doesn't have to mean an essentialist world view, with membership of a community being etched in stone - shifting labels and identities are powerful, but I have yet to see affective community development, or activism come from a position of fluidity. Maybe when I do witness thins, I'll stop wearing my many, varied and occasionally contradictory labels on my tee shirts, soap boxes and inked into my skin.

Oh, and don't get me started on the woman-born woman issue! I don't know about you, but I was born a baby. Whoever decided on that F on my documents certainly didn't consult me. Any more that the Catholics that baptised me. Both of them got it equally wrong in my case. If I present gender cues that are consistent with what Western society considers is appropriate with my gender-assignment-at-birth, that actually feels somewhat coincidental. As many femmes who have "M"s on their birth certificate will tell you (not always transwomen, some men, not always gay ID as femmes), this works, it makes sense for us, this is how we feel powerful.

When hideous people like Janice Raymond (who wrote that nasty, mean-spirited piece of trash The Transexual Empire) also started dissing sex workers, it just made the coalition between sex workers, transwomen and to a certain extent femmes as the targets (far more so, often that str8 white, able bodied, cisgender men) of mean spirited fundamentalist feminism, and thus natural allies, on at least some issues. When I was in a long term relationship with a transwoman, I decided to no longer identify as a woman. This wasn't coming from some weird desire to guiltily reject cisgender privilege but more to use labels as an opportunity to create meaningful coalitions - and to reject those that didn't work for me. Being in the same room with a group of transwomen has always felt safer and more affirming than being around anyone with the same views as Janice Raymond, Sheila Jeffreys et al. If anything being in the same space as separatist fundamentalist feminists actually feels oppressive and abusive, as that branch of feminism spends more time critiquing my hair and heel length, my clothes, my sexual practices and my allies and friends than it does doing anything to dismantle institutionalised sexism.

This branch of feminism sees all gendered presentation as oppressive - particularly femininity as it is seen as declaring yourself as sexually available to men, unworthy of equality, fluffy and not to be taken seriously or simply making yourself a rape target. Compulsory androgyny is seen as the acceptable way to present yourself. To this I say - to those that say a binary gender system is oppressive and the way of dismantling sexism is one 'choice' not two is as depressing as that crap song that suggests the end of racism by building a 'great big meltin' pot' and producing 'coffee coloured people by the score'. I am really not resigned to the only chance for equality is when we are all exactly the same.... that isn't harmony or equality to me - it's some creepy fascist fantasy! To me the answer always feels like more choices, not less. A different gender identity and presentation for each person on the planet!

So when I have to fill in a box on forms, I put a W for whore, or - if pressed, an F for femme. I find most of the time official forms that ask people to declare a letter, do it for no purpose whatsoever, simply convention. I encourage you, gentle reader, to ask why the collection of this information is relevant, or to start coming up with your own gender identity - might I suggest wonky (just cause I really like the word) asparagus (as you then have a great opportunity to wear loads of green clothes) or 9..... because it's a really nice number.... my point is that humour, complexity, queering bureaucracy and being wilfully obtuse is more fun, and less oppressive than fundamentalism, and might just change one or two small things.

Moving On

I’ve had some time away from blogging as I’ve moved to Melbourne and not been online much. Through the three and a bit years I spent in Sydney, some part of me was always somewhat critical, somewhat held back, as the cultural differences between Adelaide, where I grew up and Sydney were often too stark. Although being a very out, extremely visible sex worker in a small place like Adelaide was eventually draining and the smallness of the queer scene meant fringe groups and minority queers were isolated; moving to Sydney made me appreciate so many things about the city-of-white-picket-fences-and-a-scarily-large-amount-of-churches-without-even-archetural-justification that I had left.

While I loved so many things about Sydney – Gurlesque and SLIT Magazine, that femme dykes were visible and that in some queer community spaces, being a whore was no big deal, the persistent lack of etiquette of the too-large-too-fast-and-too-easily-distracted-big city never stopped rankling with me. From the first few months when I was constantly blown away by people repeatedly bumping into others on footpaths, and never apologising, through to people’s crap behaviour within queer and alterna networks, including bullying and harassment, general online crap behaviour and high school mean girls behaviours in venues. For me, this was neatly summed up in a story I heard from a friend a few weeks before I left town, of a woman in the punk scene who broke up with her girlfriend, only to find that the ex had dealt with her post-break up feelings by producing a zine that spewed hatred and negativity at the woman, and distributed it at every gig she went to. The second aspect of this story is that no one ever seemed to challenge the embittered ex on her crap behaviour, and were happy to get their copy of the zine, for all the juicy details. I don’t pretend that this kind of behaviour is an exclusively Sydney phenomena, but that it can be easier to get away with things in a bigger city. I guess even though I hated that everyone always knows your business in a smaller city, that because in Adelaide everyone pretty much knows everyone, or at least only one degree of separation, that I felt that people didn’t try to fuck each other over quite so overtly.

Either way, I’m hoping that Melbourne will be a happy medium. So far I’ve been overjoyed at seeing manners displayed on a daily basis in my travels, but with the things I enjoy about bigger cities: butch-femme, trans and gender queer communities happening and putting on events, large ethnic and cultural communities coexisting and doing their own thing, and lots and lots of options for places to go and things to see.

My time so far has been spent getting lost, then finding my way back to somewhere I know (my technique for learning about new cities and new computer programs alike), learning about the local public transport quirks and finding my way in a new sex industry, governed by different laws.

The other day on the train I put together the reason I think I have experienced more weirdness from random strangers than usual. The person I am involved with is a transman and is at that stage of transition where he is passing a significant amount of the time, but passing as a teenage guy. So while I’ve long been used to getting filthy looks by elderly women, it’s usually when I have tattoos on display, or when I’m wearing something low cut or short, lately I’ve been dressed for a Melbourne winter, with nothing but my face and hands visible. The penny finally dropped, and I became aware that he is occasionally mistaken for a 16 year old, whereas I am far from looking like a teenager – so when we are behaving in amorous ways, it can confront some social mores, to say the least. As someone who is used to being involved with significantly older partners, it was an odd feeling to be pegged as a dirty old woman preying on a teenage boy…. Good thing I have a sense of humour, a healthy ego and that I celebrate each year further away from the tumultuousness and instability of my 20s. I just hope no one reports me to DOCS!

Discretion is the better part of valour (bad blogging behaviour, Part1)

Origin

Shakespeare, in Henry IV, Part One, 1596:

Falstaff: 'The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life.'

Someone said to me recently that this blog is all about politics…. This isn’t the first time someone has mentioned this…. My usual response is “What else is there?”

The truth is that who I fuck, how and under what conditions are often less meaningful for me than my politics and what my broader passions are. For example, the sex worker rights movement has been my longest, most committed and passionate relationship. In some ways, as long term romantic relationships have been on the skids, my connection with the movement has been especially helpful, as I can bury myself in the work, and focus on bigger goals than myself, and whatever whirling emotions are happening for me, before I embarrassed myself too badly.

Also, while I am generally always interested in human sexuality, who is fucking who and how is often of little interest. Hence Her Royal Whoreness is all about sex and little about fucking.

I’ve also been on the receiving end of some icky passive aggressive blogging on more than one occasion since I’ve been in Sydney. I don’t know if it’s the middle class Adelaide girl manners I grew up with, but I’ve been a little shocked by incidents I’ve heard about or read about, with people blogging about others in wildly indiscreet and some times totally horrible ways. People using their unlocked, free to anyone to read online journals to do constant character assassinations, to blog about who’s doing who, any random scene gossip, or simply posting personal emails they’ve received. I've heard the people involved use the justification that as it is their blog, they can post whatever content they want - I guess that's like saying that it's my gun, I'll shoot whomever I want with it.

Boundaries such as differentiating between what you might say in a conversation with a close friend, and what you would post for a potentially worldwide audience have seemingly collapsed. However, if you maintain a blog, and all your friends read it, and maintain their own, which you also read, these fine distinctions may be hard to distinguish.

The fact is, you can blog something nasty under the influence of anger, sadness, alcohol, misunderstanding or PMT and then regret it and erase it the next day, but as a large amount of bloggers are also compulsive blog readers, chances are quite a lot of traffic has passed in that time, and even after an entire blog/ journal has been deleted, if you Google the right combination of words, you can access the postings for ages afterwards. Putting somthig out there in writing, online, is very, very different indeed from a bitchy conversation over a beer or a coffee with friends.

SMS, blogging, myspace, etc are being used as tools from primary and high school bullies to torment and harass classmates. Cyberbullying is a huge issue in schools across the world, and I am sad to say that I've witnessed some hideous examples of cyberbullying and harassment from some people abut on the Sydney queer scene who don't seem to have grown up yet. I shudder to think of the motivation behind someone who is too gutless to say something to someone's face, but will parade their mean spirited opinions online, or will use their blog to air dirty laundry to punish someone for no longer being in contact, or for leaving a relationship. The lack of dignity demonstrated by these cowardly, underhanded uses of what can be an exciting medium, - that potentially allows a greater diversity of voices to be heard particularly when considering the concentration of mass media ownership - is astounding. It's enough to make me yearn for the restraint and dignity advocated for in Jane Austen novels, before talk shows, talk back radio, reality television and the blogging/ online networking revolutions took over and the resulting Jerry Springeresque parading of ones life, all big, sloppy emotions, self destructing in public and self indulgence by any means necessary...

I never thought I'd be advocating for mile class decorum, but when vindictiveness and harassment cause people to ignore others' right to privacy and dignity, enough is enough. If you can deal with it with the person concerned, go and speak to them face-to-face like grown up. If they don't want to engage with you, or have any further contact, or if they have broken up with you, this is the opportunity for you to move on, get therapy, join a sculpture class, or take up bush walking. Dragging them (and yourself) through the mud won't provide closure, it just tells them they've made very healthy decision in cutting off contact, and showcases all of your most messy, unpleasant, unethical qualities for the world to see, ensuring that you will be bitter and alone for a for a very, very long time. I have, in fact met people who will not date people who are notorious for spilling their personal lives all over the web. Nasty or simply emotionally sloppy blogging always says more about the blogger than anyone being blogged about. Relationships fail for good reasons, and giving yourself the time and space to lick your wounds and reflect in private gives you an opportunity to work out why you are better off not being in that relationship, and gives the necessary distance to aquire some perspective and rationality on the situation.

Also, let's face it even the use of initials, or pet names won't stop friends and acquaintances on the Sydney scene being able to put two and two together, based upon who you do and don't spend time with.

If something has emerged in a social interaction that has really bothered me, I’ll often hang on to it for months and months before I blog on the topic, and even then, I will usually make damn sure that it relates to a significant issue - mental health, social or political, that this blog focuses on. Even this post has been sitting around in draft form for a very long time, but it felt to me like it needed to be said. I try my hardest not to use this medium for punishing those whom I perceive to have wronged me. I try to find greater dignity and more self esteem in silence.

Slut bashing (the latest in an irregular series of posts about the whore stigma)

I have written in this space before about the whore stigma, which I see as bigger and broader than specifically about discrimination against sex workers, although the criminalization, stereotyping and institutionalized prejudice against sex workers is definitely the most obvious aspect of the whore stigma.

Examples of prejudice against sex workers continue to jump out and slap me all the time: I was speaking to someone I know who has recently started doing sex work, only to find that one of their partner's partner was suddenly very worried about sexually transmitted infections….. this is someone who never raised any questions about safer sex practices up until this moment – the whore stigma is so ferocious that this person might have been taking on entire football teams and their cheer squads up until this point, specializing in barebacking, felching and unprotected blood sports, prior to working in the sex industry, but as we all know STIs are primarily transmitted by the handling of money or credit cards….

What I call slut bashing or slut baiting is the more common form of the whore stigma, the everyday persecutions of (usually women) who put out, who sleep around, who don't dress like ladies, who I have noticed are also usually seen as dumb, as you can't be smart and sexual in our culture (see bois don't make passes at grrls who wear glasses). I think the slut (or overtly sexual = dumb construct is also responsible for the idea that sex workers must not be able to do other forms of work, if we had any brains or skills, we couldn’t possibly choose sex work, that must be a decision made of desperation and reduced choices.) And, after all, masculinity and stupidity couldn't possibly go together.... (Take a bow Beavis and Butthead, Homer Simpson, Al Bundy, et al).

While slut bashing/ baiting is a commonly practiced form of the whore stigma, which means that women are divided into the virgin or whore categories, and set upon each other, for the benefit of neither group, and thus I believe that it is in all of our best interest to challenge the whore stigma, I think the experiences of sex workers are quite, quite unique. While living in a culture that ruthlessly polices the binary gender system has harmed me and other cisgendered folk, my experiences of gender oppression in no way mirror those of genderqueer people. While it is my responsibility, and in my best interest, to challenge gender binaries (as it is for all people) I don't feel that I am in anyway in a position to speak about the experiences of genderqueers, and as I consider myself an ally to trans and other genderqueer folk, I think it is important that people from those communities have the room to speak about their own lives, and I try to avoid taking up those platforms, lest I further marginalise people who are often spoken about rather than consulted.

In the same way, I feel like it is important for sex workers to speak about sex workers experience - we are so often silenced, spoken about or for, and used as a symbol or metaphor for people who are working out their own stuff around sex, that, well, until things are very, very different, non-whores, even 'promiscuous' or 'unchaste' women who speak about sex work just feel like they are appropriating the experiences of my community, and using us as symbols to work through their own stuff. As the whore stigma has silenced whores – sometimes in extremely overt ways – in some areas of the world, including where I first started sex working, to do any activism as an out sex worker attracts the attention of the vice squad. However our liberation will only come when our voices are heard on our issues, so when non-whores speak out about sex worker issues, that is often taking up the platform at the expense of the sex workers voice... And frankly, non-whores might have felt like they have been badly hurt by the whore stigma, but, love, I have a criminal record from working in Adelaide brothels, I have KP (known prostitute) on my record which has the capacity to affect travel to the US and Japan, so when you have sprinted out of brothels in 6 inch heels to avoid a vice squad bust, or hidden a sex work client in a cupboard during a raid as he has a panic attack, because he is terrified his wife will find out, then come along and we will compare whore stigmas.... If I sound bitter and ungrateful, consider that being an ally to marginalised communities is a challenging balance in which there is the need to speak out for social justice, however, we also need to be guided by the needs, priorities and opinions of the community in question, otherwise we reinforce hierarchies by telling the marginalised what is best for them, and speaking for them, and standing in the way of the empowerment and capacity building of that community.

But back to slut bashing:

Sadly, but predictably, alternative queer chick culture, that is culture that seems, at least on the surface to be cunt positive, sex positive, kink friendly, poly friendly, supportive of genderqueer and gender diverse, informed by feminist thought, still isn't immune from slut bashing – in some ways women who present in less alternative ways, longer, non-spiky hair, who might wear their dresses, skirts, Supre tees, heels and stockings with less knowing, less irony (at least to the casual observer), less body mods, etc are sometimes spoken about particularly savagely, as if they are both slutty and dumb, more helpless, trying to catch husbands or husbutches to do the hard work so these fluffy, nonthreatening girlies can not worry their pretty little heads about anything…..

In some ways it's easier for this stuff to be perpetuated in alterna queer culture - which has room for diverse gender expressions, with room for feminine performance from queer women. In more mainstream lesbian culture with androgyny being the norm, how, in a room full of jeans and flat shoes and short hair, will you single someone out to label them a slut? And, after all, people end up in those subcommunities, sometimes because of their politics or values, but often because of their aesthetic attractions, musical preferences, sexual kinks, etc, so to assume that anyone has done their 'homework' in analysing their value system and ways of being in the world to see whether or not they have some residual sexism floating around is possibly a bit optimistic.

Let's look at there this stuff comes from: it is misogyny. Simply the hatred of women, female bodied folk, femininity, etc. Let's face it, (trans or cis)boys and butches still have a lot of room to fuck as they please (as long as they aren't bottoming, ankle grabbing or appearing like fags) to be as sleazy and slutty as they like, without pejorative language used. When, oh when do we get beyond this same old same old? The boys/bois high five each other while the grrrls tear each other apart. If you get left, it's not the fault of the commitmentphobic butch, or your own needy and clingy reverting to type, the result of swallowing all that *girl medicine during childhood. No. It's the str8 girl like Barbie who the butch-that-got-away dates next. It's all her fault. All that long hair takes so much brain power to grow, she can't possibly have read feminism 101, and damn it, she uses her siren's call of looking like a str8 grrl from a distance and looking all uncomplicated and pwetty to lure boys to their doom....

The alterna queer communities are often home to many whores, (as they are often at least on the surface, sex positive, whore friendly places). **Female sex workers have often traditionally presented a hyper feminine gender performance, for work related reasons, with street based sex workers occasionally using hyper femininity as a mechanism of advertising for clients, and many sex workers portraying such an unnatural, drag queeny femininity (as so much of sex work is playing with fantasy, and utilising the most obvious symbols and signals to get a cock hard, and get the client off in a discrete time period. So long hair, heels, lingerie, frocks, and sometimes a minimum of non-traditional body modifications are tools of our work. Thus, despising trad-femme signifiers is a particularly rough judgement when applied to whores, who may often utilise femininity to make a living (as diesel mechanics, storepeople and footballers often utilise aspects of trad masculinity to make a living). Whores are sometimes attracted to sex work exactly because of the excesses and delights of gender games and performance involved. As I grew up watching Marilyn Monroe playing honeyed mantraps to wealthy men in movie after movie, matching her status as sex object with his as success object, the idea of performing the role of the irresistibly femme object of desire who is worth every cent is an absolute hoot. Playing with gender, fantasy, power and pleasure has made sex work compelling for me for many many years; but that doesn’t mean I have lost any cognitive powers along the journey, or that I lack analysis of gender and power issues. Whereas those observers who will see my heels, cleavage and long hair and assume that this makes me dumb, easy or uncomplex should probably review their thinking about these issues and dig a little deeper.

Why do we buy into this self-hating crap? Why do we use the language that restricts the appearance, sexual behaviour and choices of women, femmes, feminine people, queers? Why do we as feminists not understand that while we need to promote femininity as one choice among many, rather than some default position, hating and slandering femininity is similar to hating and demonising women, that disrespecting femininity is truly the first step on the road to reinforcing that everything traditionally associated with women’s culture and traditional ways of being in the world is unworthy of being taken seriously or valued - you end up being Shelia Jeffreys. I understand that the early second wave of the feminist movement did powerful work in untangling notions of ‘natural’ femininity and that women’s destiny was tied up in our biology – most of us can get pregnant, give birth, lactate; therefore we must do the primary parenting and stay put at home and leave the public world to men – but questioning the ‘naturalness’ of this position and asking who benefits from the binary gender system and how we all lose out is very different than devaluing of women's roles, and many aspects of the second wave feminist movements - such as the Wages for Housework campaigns, were all about acknowledging the value of this work and role.

I shudder when I think about how easy it is to fall back into this way of being in the world. It's so high school, where the chicks fight over the popular boy, and destroy each other’s reputation for the casual power rush. I don’t think we have stopped oppressing each other as women, queers, gendered beings, feminine folk, femmes and humans until we stop demonising femininity, the sexually active/ aggressive and the sluts. And we don’t get to decide how smart, how politically aware or how valid someone is based on the length of that person’s hair, how excessive their frou frou is, or the shortness of their skirt.

*Girl medicine – a term used by Helen Eisenbach in Lesbianism Made Easy, I have since appropriated it and am running with it, because it is such a great term. Girl medicine is that stuff fed to those socialized as female in our culture, the 'some day my prince will come' bullshit that encourages us to put more passion and attention into our romantic relationships than anything else in our lives, to be reliant, to not be focused on achievement - but people pleasing, and to only value ourselves by our popularity.

** I would like to point out that I know of female sex workers who present in andro or butch ways, sometimes within a work context as well as the rest of their lives, and some will put on a wig and heels at work, and have a fantastic time being drag queens for a living. Some boy whores do butch, some do femme, and some do andro. Some whores don’t identify as boys, grrrls, butches, femmes or andros. Most sex workers I have met have interesting things to say about gender, however, sex workers don't need to be particularly politically savvy or oracles on gender or anything else in order for their sex work or gender presentation to be totally valid. I just wanted to be clear that sex workers don’t fit in boxes any more comfortably than anyone else.

ASK THE WHORE - ANSWERS PART 1 or Sex Work 101

Okay, so I finally got around to answering some of those questions I asked for about sex work, ages ago on this blog. This is half of the answers to the questions, which seemed to group together as being related to sexuality and identity stuff and I'll post soon talking about feminism and about safety issues. I've added some other commonly asked questions, as they also seemed related to issues of queerness and identity.

Please be aware that the thoughts and comments expressed in this post, and in Her Royal Whoreness in general are my own, and may not always be representative of all whores, the sex worker rights movement, or any sex worker organisation or group I have worked for or been involved with.

For a broader taste of the sex worker rights movement beliefs and values, check out some of my links.

'Maybe not what you were asking for but why "Whoretic"? '

The name whoretic - which has been my online name for about a decade, is a play on the word 'heretic'. I was raised Catholic, and a lot of the sex negativity with which I was raised made it essential for me to do sex positive activism as a way of reclaiming sex and joy for myself. The hatred and distrust of pleasure, bodies and sexuality that is at the heart of so much patriarchal religion feels so abusive, to me, that affirming sex and bodies, and taking them seriously feels so necessary.

The fact that I am a whore, and an out proud, unrepentant whore has always felt like the ultimate heresy.

Update: My housemate (and substitute husband) says: The word heretic originates in Greek, as many Latin words did, and derives from a word meaning "to choose" (hairetikos, from the verb hairesthai).... which just makes it even more appropriate for me - an out proud whore by choice.

Why do you sex work?

For me, sex work is a form of sex positivity in action. Queer theory and the older Gay and Lesbian liberation movements allows us to critique a view of sex as only acceptable when occurring within very narrow frameworks – sex for love, within committed relationships, in order to make babies.

Sex work is one of the ways I demonstrate valuing sex for its therapeutic effects, its recreational effects, its beneficial effects on self esteem and self worth. I affirm the seeking of touch, orgasm and responding to skin hunger. As an out proud queer/dyke/whore, I can accept my clients’ varied desires without judgement, with support and playfulness. Sex work has taught me that even straight men need sexual liberation!

Sex work is one of the only ‘traditional women’s work’ jobs that is paid well. Parenting, nursing, teaching and other care work have not been compensated in a way that reflects their social value. The skills that make a good sex worker include esoteric ones such as comfort with intimacy, ability to confidently read body language, and a communication style that reflects both compassion and assertiveness. It is unusual and kind of fantastic to have these hard-to-define skills prove to actually be marketable.

'So can you actually be a dyke and suck cok 4 cash? Seriously though, does your lack of attraction for males make your sex work harder?'

It’s probably going to take a few more centuries for a sufficient number of women to unlearn female socialisation that automatically couples sex with love, or sex with relationships. Until then, the overwhelming majority of sex work clients will be male. Most of my female clients that I have seen have accessed sex work services as part of a couple with their male partners.

In some ways, it’s easier to work with male clients. It’s certainly easier to get to the point, and get them off in a half hour or hour session. It’s also easier for me to maintain a professional perspective – not feeling the need to constantly check in on how they’re doing. Also easier to maintain professional boundaries – I find a lot of women clients struggle with not being able to kiss during a sex work session, for example. I would like to see more women accessing sex work services; as that would represent a fundamental shift in the way women value their own desire and pleasure. Because of our cultural baggage that means that women are less likely to access sex workers, I enjoy being a part of other projects, such as workshops, that aim to give Queer women in particular access to different language, or different ways of thinking about sex and pleasure.

I think different dykes have different ways of describing their sexuality, and different feelings about it. For me, I identify as a queer dyke, rather than a lesbian, which for me at least has more room for diversity and fluidity. While I’m not currently attracted to str8 cisgendered men, they do not repulse me. Sex with str8 men feels pretty neutral for me. So sex work doesn’t have much to do with my sexuality; I think my queer sensibility is an asset to my work, but other than that there is quite a bit of compartmentalisation. I think most sex workers wouldn’t be attracted to every single client; however it doesn’t stop them from being able to provide services – so it’s not that hard for dyke whores.

Do you get more negative reactions from other dykes or other whores?

It depends on the dyke or the whore. The most common response from both dykes and whores is ‘how do you cope with servicing men if you’re a lesbian?’ It’s easier to explain this one to other workers, however, I find most women will get it that sex can be work, and that women have sex for a whole range of reasons, other than attraction. I often find myself doing endless community education – sex work 101 with queers; queer 101 with sex workers.

I find the most negative response from other sex workers usually happens in brothel environments, where some other sex workers will wait for me to leave the room before they change clothes. As if I’m going to launch myself across the room and ravish/ravage them. I try to let it be known that str8 women don’t really interest me - that some quality of queerness must be present, but that’s about it.

From fellow dykes, I think that combination of titillated yet repulsed is the most offensive and confusing response – where you are seen as unworthy of respect, but kinda sexy all the same. It saddens me as I immediately think of that chant from Reclaim the Night marches: “Yes means yes, No means no, whatever we wear, wherever we go”, and the related idea that sexual behaviour or lack of it shouldn’t make women more or less valued. I think a lot of women who subscribe to feminist values consider that as a truth in theory, but their behaviour towards other women may be different.

What impact does sex work have on your intimate relationships?

Well, being a very out sex worker – means that when I’m romantically interested in someone, that someone has to have a lot of conversations about sex work in the early stages. This gives them the opportunity to check all of those misconceptions about sex work. It also gives me a chance to see whether they have deeply ingrained sex worker phobia.

I don’t expect anyone to be initially 100% supportive of sex work, or be very politically aware about the oppression of sex workers. I hope exposure to my experience and through me of the sex worker rights movement will make a difference. If someone is much attached to anti-sex work values, then they don’t tend to stay in my life very long, either as a friend or partner. Bigotry is a really unattractive quality.

I don’t think sex work has any greater impact on my partnerships than any other work. I can say that doing night shifts – in any industry – is draining and bad for relationships, as is working in bad work environments, in any industry.

The sex worker rights movement has been a huge part of my political work for many years now. In fact I have described the sex worker rights movement as my primary partner and most committed relationship before... only half jokingly. So at times my burning focus on the movement has probably left partners feeling neglected, as when I was living in Adelaide and law reform was on the cards, lots of meetings, sitting in the strangers gallery watching Parliament in session, producing lobbying materials, doing media and debating anti-sex work Christians makes for a stressed and overloaded whoretic, without much time to nurture intimate bonds.

I have participated in many movements to varying degrees over time – peace and non-violence, environmental movements, feminism, queer visibility and rights, as well as broad left stuff. However, my sex work has been the one thing that has given me a criminal record; this has the potential to impact on my travel between countries and my ability to work in several fields of employment. So the degree of oppression and its impact on my life has meant that sex worker rights have been my biggest political passion. Also, there is a very simplistic, core part of me that just hates being told what I can and can't do with my own body that motivates me towards being involved with sex worker rights issues. Although concepts of identity are fraught for me, my biggest and most stable identity is always whore activist.

I find myself using some of the tools of LGBTIQ liberation in my sex worker rights work; outness and visibility, community development and identity politics. Not all sex worker activists use these tools. Often the impacts of sex worker phobia are so big that even activists chose a path of least disclosure to avoid stigma. The impact of my visibility on my own life - even though consciously chosen, has been huge. It has been really isolating, sometimes other sex workers won’t want to spend time around me, in case it is assumed that they are sex workers by association. Ultimately, I have avoided the closet in all my various identities, because I’m proud of who I am and my choices. The intersections of all those parts of me bring me richness and unique insights. I wouldn’t have my life any less complex, because that would signal a loss of meaning.

If you want to ask me a question about sex work, do it here.

Reminder to treat yourself well

I don’t know if it’s a winter thing, and thus Seasonal Affective Disorder related, or specific stresses in people’s lives that by pure coincidence have happened all at the same time, or if crappy mental health is contagious (I suspect a combination of the above) but many people I know have been struggling with mental health issues, and either sinking below the surface or valiantly treading water.


I thought I’d take some time to remind everyone about some good mental health practice tools. Good mental and physical health goes together, so if things are falling off the top of your overloaded bundle, focus on the basics. Drink water and camomile tea, get plenty of sleep, eat some fruit and vegetables, breathe deeply, get some exercise. Treating yourself well is good for your self esteem, and it provides you with a basic foundation for managing stress. Basic self care is also one of the least mortifying mental health initiatives I have ever undergone.

Breathing slowly and deeply remembering to fully exhale is good for stress-related asthma and panic attacks. When you are experiencing racing thoughts, slow down and talk to yourself – is the most catastrophic and dire answer the most likely? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is handy for the racing-panic-attack-thought-patterns and also the helpless-hopeless-depressive-thoughts, and when you learn how to do it well, it is incredibly empowering to be able to pull yourself out of the blue funk or the anxiety horrors. For clinical depression, the two most statistically useful things to do are to get exercise and to increase social contact. Grab a friend for a brisk walk. Borrow a dog and walk him/ her regularly - walking a dog is a great way to become instantly popular.

Some books that may be useful: You Can Beat Depression: A Guide to Prevention & Recovery by Dr John Preston, and for those of you going through yucky break ups, its Sex And The City style chick focused and assumes heterosexuality, however, take from it what you can: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Oh, and I keep hearing good things about MoodGym.

Oh, and if you need to, get on meds (anti-depressants, or others), if you are still high and mighty about using anti-depressants, consider that myself and many others I know wouldn’t be here to preach to you if it weren’t for our meds….. and if you are using anti-depressant medication (or are just struggling with depression in general) please cut down on the amount of alcohol or other depressants you are using to give yourself the best possible chance of recovery.

Getting queers, whores and other outsiders to love ourselves, do self care, treat each other well and build community are all important political acts. Imagine that we all had more energy to fight for equality and a more just world? Imagine if we, instead of self destructing had more time for critiquing the dominant paradigm? The work of previous generations of activists have meant powerful changes for the social standing of queers – the fact that young queers now can regularly come out to their families without rejection would have been almost unimaginable, not so long ago. I look forward to a time when baby (newly out) queers have the opportunity to slot into a queer community that is thriving, to look forward to a range and choice of social spaces that aren’t solely focused around alcohol and late nights, where diversity is genuinely celebrated. Where queerness is so valued that self care practices are common. Sex workers aren’t even in a place yet where very many of us at all feel as if we could come out, and the whore stigma is still huge and crippling.

Oh, and everyone needs to go and get a copy of Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein. Because Kate is completely fucking fabulous, that’s why. What, you need another reason? Well here:

I’ve written this book to help you stay alive because I think the world needs more kind people in it, no matter who or what they are, or do. We’re healthier because of our outsiders and outlaws and freaks and queers and sinners. I fall neatly into all of those categories, so it’s no big deal to me if you do, or don’t. I’ve had a lot of reasons to kill myself, and a lot of time to do it in, and I stayed alive by doing things that many consider to be immoral or illegal. I’m glad I did it, because I’ve really enjoyed writing this book. This may be a scary time for you, and if that’s so, I hope I can help you find your courage again. If we meet some day, let me know what worked. —from Hello, Cruel World by Kate Bornstein

My real primary identity just might be....

Stubborn.

stub·born (stŭb'ərn) adj., -er, -est.
Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bullheaded.
Firmly resolved or determined; resolute.
Characterized by perseverance; persistent.
Difficult to treat or deal with; resistant to treatment or effort: stubborn soil; stubborn stains.
[Middle English stuborn.]

I was rereading Hanne Blanks' 'Tits of Clay: Genderphilia and Changing the World, One Lipstick at a time' the keynote speach for the Femme 2006 conference, and again struck powerfully by the inherent stubborness in femme performance. Of course... in a culture that denigrates the feminine, considers women to be second class citizens and considers frippery and frou frou to be the ultimate in vain, insignificant, superficial stupidity (whereas beer and football are the vitally important aspects of life) femme is going to get a lot of opposition and not much support. Even femmes ourselves aren't immune from internalising these ideas and acting out self-oppression in a variety of ways...

When I am on the receiving end of anti-femme stuff: watch me wear higher and higher heels, watch me pout and hair flick, watch my dresses get lower and lower cut.... to a point where I may as well run around topless in a pony costume on stilts.... And watch me do this with my head held high, an articulate critique on enforced gender systems and knowing that a world that is safer for me will be a world safer for so many more than me.

In much the same way, I get stubborn when other aspects of my identity that are dear to me are denigrated. If people are reacting negatively about sex work, I get outer and outer about it. Talking more about the 'ins and outs' (if you'll pardon the pun) than just the industrial rights issues and other sex worker rights stuff. People who are weird about sex work (and let's face it... that would be most people, on some level) are forced to either have whoring normalised for them via the absorbtion method, or get so freaked out that they go away. Either way, I create safe space around myself.

All the same it gets really, really fucking tedious to have to be wearing my community educators hat all the time... I don't always want to do sex work 101 (or demystifying femme plus queer theory stuff) for two hours everytime I meet someone new at a dinner party. I'm not always going to correct a taxi driver when they assume I'm straight, or tell them the truth about what I do for a living when they pick me up from my house. For a long time I was considering producing a pamphlet covering frequently asked questions - maybe I'll just hand out my blog URL...

I wonder sometimes if I expect too much - that people will see beyond the outness, and know that even though I shout loudly about these issues (and I might feel the need to stop shouting quite so loudly about the same time as the world becomes less whorephobic, sexist and genderphobic) there are many aspects about me that are more subtle, less loud but still there - I am not a stereotype, or a cardboard cut out. I can't walk in flats, but I'm physically stronger and more athletic than most people I know, and I have never played dumb in my life...... I guess only those that pay attention are going to see all of my flavours, or know that just because I care passionately about femme visiblity and sex worker rights, I, like all people, am a million and one things that aren't easy to define, sum up, reduce or package.

(Slighty grumpy) random thoughts on friendships and community*

Negotiating friendships in a new town has certainly been a rollercoaster. I've tried to keep open and allow myself to refrain from making snap judgements. Being really out about my sex work has almost always made new friendships challenging - many people have assumed I'm sexually available to them even when I'm being clear that isn't the case. I've never understood why people believe that someone who charges will be 'easier' than someone who always has sex for free. the fact that I'm comfortable with discussing sex in an explicit way can create further complications. It's sometimes assumed to be a come on, when for me I'm talking about the nitty gritty (and for a long-term sex worker totally unerotic) aspects of occupational health and saftey issues.

The idea that I'm often hypersexualised because of the whole whore thing by others is still funny for me. In my head I'm still the nerdy brunette who reads too much and is obsessed with politics rather than sex.

The fact that if I'm perceived to be very sexual that somehow makes me less worthy of respect is not at all funny.

I do find it a leetle outrageous that some 'enlightened' queer women will still police or disapprove of the concensual sexual practices of people within our own communities. I get quite pissed off that as a polyamorous sex worker I'm sometimes not considered to have boundaries. I get really pissed off that a woman can repeatedly ask me for sex after I've said no - and not realise that even though she has a cunt it's still sexual harassment.

I'm disappointed that in some ways we still replicate some heterosexual norms, in that women who are sexual are perceived to be less intellegent and less valuable. Will it take a return to 1970s era feminist conciousness raising groups before we truly that liberation is in part about demonstrating our politics in how we treat one another?

I've spent some time with women who would see themselves as anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-classist, etc - but who manage to treat the people around them in completely hideous ways. People who don't make the connections between big picture stuff, and the micro-level. Who aspouse great politics, but will happily bag someone for being fat, or not dressing stylishly, or being too vanilla, or not fitting in in other ways. Since when has being queer about fitting in? Some concerned, mumsy part of me has an image of a baby queer who has been suicidal and finally entered the community looking for safe space, only to find themselves once again on the outer. I'm not suggesting community members should fuck everyone, or befriend everyone, but humanity and niceness would be great.

I'm really interested in people who have great politics and great personal values. People who are compassionate and secure enough to not need to be funny at the expense of someone who's already standing awkwardly in the corner of the room. I have complete respect for people that demonstrate safe, sane and consensual and a real valuing of others - even if it's a one night stand, even if they or the other person is drunk, even if the other person has a 'reputation' I'm paying attention to people who want to be a part of my life to see if their behaviour matches up to what they say they believe in.

I have occassionally been appalled at witnessing some awful behaviour since I've been in Sydney, and become more watchful and disserning as a result. I'm very pleased to say I've also met some people who make me smile everytime I think of them.

* Some of the negativity in this post may be affected by lack of nicotine - I apologise - felt it was worth posting, all the same.

Animal crackers in my SLIT

Went to launch of SLIT Magazine's animal issue this Saturday with posse of whores - Decriminalise Debby, Discredited Debby and Sienna. I did pink pussy number just to wear new pink leopard print tail. Sienna did grey donkey - with eeyore ears and nose, Discredited did girrafe in order to wear spunky new gold boots - complete with giraffe plushy toy head nipples, Decriminalise did pony (of course) with pony plushy puppet as headwear and excellent improv hoof gloves. The only thing better than hanging with whore posse is whore posse in furry drag.

Pretty soon after we got there - and before many others had come in - I was introduced to an improv snake woman (snakeprint pants and some face paint) who responded with "Oh...another cat". AS IF YOU CAN HAVE TOO MANY CATS IN A ROOM!!!!!!!! I didn't bother responding, but I do try to be appropriate - and what could be more appropriate than a pink pussy at a SLIT launch? Hmmmph! *Sound of pure femme disdain*

I knew about maybe 30% of the launch attendees, enough to chat to. It's finally starting, after two years in Sydneytown - the first year mainly taken up with navigating financial aspects of surviving in big city with totally different sex industry and in trying desparately to resusitate a relationship that should have been compassionately euthanased - to feel like I might have a niche in this huge scary place.

The cow show was a highlight - leather, cow print body paint, 'branding', silly mooing song and milky udders all adorable. There is a silly playfulness and lack of contrived sexuality about SLIT launch performances that I really enjoy.