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Because of a particular person using this blog to contact me as I have blocked them on other things, I've had to disable comments on this blog to avoid continued harassment. Sorry.

Discretion is the better part of valour (bad blogging behaviour, Part1)

Origin

Shakespeare, in Henry IV, Part One, 1596:

Falstaff: 'The better part of valour is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life.'

Someone said to me recently that this blog is all about politics…. This isn’t the first time someone has mentioned this…. My usual response is “What else is there?”

The truth is that who I fuck, how and under what conditions are often less meaningful for me than my politics and what my broader passions are. For example, the sex worker rights movement has been my longest, most committed and passionate relationship. In some ways, as long term romantic relationships have been on the skids, my connection with the movement has been especially helpful, as I can bury myself in the work, and focus on bigger goals than myself, and whatever whirling emotions are happening for me, before I embarrassed myself too badly.

Also, while I am generally always interested in human sexuality, who is fucking who and how is often of little interest. Hence Her Royal Whoreness is all about sex and little about fucking.

I’ve also been on the receiving end of some icky passive aggressive blogging on more than one occasion since I’ve been in Sydney. I don’t know if it’s the middle class Adelaide girl manners I grew up with, but I’ve been a little shocked by incidents I’ve heard about or read about, with people blogging about others in wildly indiscreet and some times totally horrible ways. People using their unlocked, free to anyone to read online journals to do constant character assassinations, to blog about who’s doing who, any random scene gossip, or simply posting personal emails they’ve received. I've heard the people involved use the justification that as it is their blog, they can post whatever content they want - I guess that's like saying that it's my gun, I'll shoot whomever I want with it.

Boundaries such as differentiating between what you might say in a conversation with a close friend, and what you would post for a potentially worldwide audience have seemingly collapsed. However, if you maintain a blog, and all your friends read it, and maintain their own, which you also read, these fine distinctions may be hard to distinguish.

The fact is, you can blog something nasty under the influence of anger, sadness, alcohol, misunderstanding or PMT and then regret it and erase it the next day, but as a large amount of bloggers are also compulsive blog readers, chances are quite a lot of traffic has passed in that time, and even after an entire blog/ journal has been deleted, if you Google the right combination of words, you can access the postings for ages afterwards. Putting somthig out there in writing, online, is very, very different indeed from a bitchy conversation over a beer or a coffee with friends.

SMS, blogging, myspace, etc are being used as tools from primary and high school bullies to torment and harass classmates. Cyberbullying is a huge issue in schools across the world, and I am sad to say that I've witnessed some hideous examples of cyberbullying and harassment from some people abut on the Sydney queer scene who don't seem to have grown up yet. I shudder to think of the motivation behind someone who is too gutless to say something to someone's face, but will parade their mean spirited opinions online, or will use their blog to air dirty laundry to punish someone for no longer being in contact, or for leaving a relationship. The lack of dignity demonstrated by these cowardly, underhanded uses of what can be an exciting medium, - that potentially allows a greater diversity of voices to be heard particularly when considering the concentration of mass media ownership - is astounding. It's enough to make me yearn for the restraint and dignity advocated for in Jane Austen novels, before talk shows, talk back radio, reality television and the blogging/ online networking revolutions took over and the resulting Jerry Springeresque parading of ones life, all big, sloppy emotions, self destructing in public and self indulgence by any means necessary...

I never thought I'd be advocating for mile class decorum, but when vindictiveness and harassment cause people to ignore others' right to privacy and dignity, enough is enough. If you can deal with it with the person concerned, go and speak to them face-to-face like grown up. If they don't want to engage with you, or have any further contact, or if they have broken up with you, this is the opportunity for you to move on, get therapy, join a sculpture class, or take up bush walking. Dragging them (and yourself) through the mud won't provide closure, it just tells them they've made very healthy decision in cutting off contact, and showcases all of your most messy, unpleasant, unethical qualities for the world to see, ensuring that you will be bitter and alone for a for a very, very long time. I have, in fact met people who will not date people who are notorious for spilling their personal lives all over the web. Nasty or simply emotionally sloppy blogging always says more about the blogger than anyone being blogged about. Relationships fail for good reasons, and giving yourself the time and space to lick your wounds and reflect in private gives you an opportunity to work out why you are better off not being in that relationship, and gives the necessary distance to aquire some perspective and rationality on the situation.

Also, let's face it even the use of initials, or pet names won't stop friends and acquaintances on the Sydney scene being able to put two and two together, based upon who you do and don't spend time with.

If something has emerged in a social interaction that has really bothered me, I’ll often hang on to it for months and months before I blog on the topic, and even then, I will usually make damn sure that it relates to a significant issue - mental health, social or political, that this blog focuses on. Even this post has been sitting around in draft form for a very long time, but it felt to me like it needed to be said. I try my hardest not to use this medium for punishing those whom I perceive to have wronged me. I try to find greater dignity and more self esteem in silence.

ASK THE WHORE - ANSWERS PART 1 or Sex Work 101

Okay, so I finally got around to answering some of those questions I asked for about sex work, ages ago on this blog. This is half of the answers to the questions, which seemed to group together as being related to sexuality and identity stuff and I'll post soon talking about feminism and about safety issues. I've added some other commonly asked questions, as they also seemed related to issues of queerness and identity.

Please be aware that the thoughts and comments expressed in this post, and in Her Royal Whoreness in general are my own, and may not always be representative of all whores, the sex worker rights movement, or any sex worker organisation or group I have worked for or been involved with.

For a broader taste of the sex worker rights movement beliefs and values, check out some of my links.

'Maybe not what you were asking for but why "Whoretic"? '

The name whoretic - which has been my online name for about a decade, is a play on the word 'heretic'. I was raised Catholic, and a lot of the sex negativity with which I was raised made it essential for me to do sex positive activism as a way of reclaiming sex and joy for myself. The hatred and distrust of pleasure, bodies and sexuality that is at the heart of so much patriarchal religion feels so abusive, to me, that affirming sex and bodies, and taking them seriously feels so necessary.

The fact that I am a whore, and an out proud, unrepentant whore has always felt like the ultimate heresy.

Update: My housemate (and substitute husband) says: The word heretic originates in Greek, as many Latin words did, and derives from a word meaning "to choose" (hairetikos, from the verb hairesthai).... which just makes it even more appropriate for me - an out proud whore by choice.

Why do you sex work?

For me, sex work is a form of sex positivity in action. Queer theory and the older Gay and Lesbian liberation movements allows us to critique a view of sex as only acceptable when occurring within very narrow frameworks – sex for love, within committed relationships, in order to make babies.

Sex work is one of the ways I demonstrate valuing sex for its therapeutic effects, its recreational effects, its beneficial effects on self esteem and self worth. I affirm the seeking of touch, orgasm and responding to skin hunger. As an out proud queer/dyke/whore, I can accept my clients’ varied desires without judgement, with support and playfulness. Sex work has taught me that even straight men need sexual liberation!

Sex work is one of the only ‘traditional women’s work’ jobs that is paid well. Parenting, nursing, teaching and other care work have not been compensated in a way that reflects their social value. The skills that make a good sex worker include esoteric ones such as comfort with intimacy, ability to confidently read body language, and a communication style that reflects both compassion and assertiveness. It is unusual and kind of fantastic to have these hard-to-define skills prove to actually be marketable.

'So can you actually be a dyke and suck cok 4 cash? Seriously though, does your lack of attraction for males make your sex work harder?'

It’s probably going to take a few more centuries for a sufficient number of women to unlearn female socialisation that automatically couples sex with love, or sex with relationships. Until then, the overwhelming majority of sex work clients will be male. Most of my female clients that I have seen have accessed sex work services as part of a couple with their male partners.

In some ways, it’s easier to work with male clients. It’s certainly easier to get to the point, and get them off in a half hour or hour session. It’s also easier for me to maintain a professional perspective – not feeling the need to constantly check in on how they’re doing. Also easier to maintain professional boundaries – I find a lot of women clients struggle with not being able to kiss during a sex work session, for example. I would like to see more women accessing sex work services; as that would represent a fundamental shift in the way women value their own desire and pleasure. Because of our cultural baggage that means that women are less likely to access sex workers, I enjoy being a part of other projects, such as workshops, that aim to give Queer women in particular access to different language, or different ways of thinking about sex and pleasure.

I think different dykes have different ways of describing their sexuality, and different feelings about it. For me, I identify as a queer dyke, rather than a lesbian, which for me at least has more room for diversity and fluidity. While I’m not currently attracted to str8 cisgendered men, they do not repulse me. Sex with str8 men feels pretty neutral for me. So sex work doesn’t have much to do with my sexuality; I think my queer sensibility is an asset to my work, but other than that there is quite a bit of compartmentalisation. I think most sex workers wouldn’t be attracted to every single client; however it doesn’t stop them from being able to provide services – so it’s not that hard for dyke whores.

Do you get more negative reactions from other dykes or other whores?

It depends on the dyke or the whore. The most common response from both dykes and whores is ‘how do you cope with servicing men if you’re a lesbian?’ It’s easier to explain this one to other workers, however, I find most women will get it that sex can be work, and that women have sex for a whole range of reasons, other than attraction. I often find myself doing endless community education – sex work 101 with queers; queer 101 with sex workers.

I find the most negative response from other sex workers usually happens in brothel environments, where some other sex workers will wait for me to leave the room before they change clothes. As if I’m going to launch myself across the room and ravish/ravage them. I try to let it be known that str8 women don’t really interest me - that some quality of queerness must be present, but that’s about it.

From fellow dykes, I think that combination of titillated yet repulsed is the most offensive and confusing response – where you are seen as unworthy of respect, but kinda sexy all the same. It saddens me as I immediately think of that chant from Reclaim the Night marches: “Yes means yes, No means no, whatever we wear, wherever we go”, and the related idea that sexual behaviour or lack of it shouldn’t make women more or less valued. I think a lot of women who subscribe to feminist values consider that as a truth in theory, but their behaviour towards other women may be different.

What impact does sex work have on your intimate relationships?

Well, being a very out sex worker – means that when I’m romantically interested in someone, that someone has to have a lot of conversations about sex work in the early stages. This gives them the opportunity to check all of those misconceptions about sex work. It also gives me a chance to see whether they have deeply ingrained sex worker phobia.

I don’t expect anyone to be initially 100% supportive of sex work, or be very politically aware about the oppression of sex workers. I hope exposure to my experience and through me of the sex worker rights movement will make a difference. If someone is much attached to anti-sex work values, then they don’t tend to stay in my life very long, either as a friend or partner. Bigotry is a really unattractive quality.

I don’t think sex work has any greater impact on my partnerships than any other work. I can say that doing night shifts – in any industry – is draining and bad for relationships, as is working in bad work environments, in any industry.

The sex worker rights movement has been a huge part of my political work for many years now. In fact I have described the sex worker rights movement as my primary partner and most committed relationship before... only half jokingly. So at times my burning focus on the movement has probably left partners feeling neglected, as when I was living in Adelaide and law reform was on the cards, lots of meetings, sitting in the strangers gallery watching Parliament in session, producing lobbying materials, doing media and debating anti-sex work Christians makes for a stressed and overloaded whoretic, without much time to nurture intimate bonds.

I have participated in many movements to varying degrees over time – peace and non-violence, environmental movements, feminism, queer visibility and rights, as well as broad left stuff. However, my sex work has been the one thing that has given me a criminal record; this has the potential to impact on my travel between countries and my ability to work in several fields of employment. So the degree of oppression and its impact on my life has meant that sex worker rights have been my biggest political passion. Also, there is a very simplistic, core part of me that just hates being told what I can and can't do with my own body that motivates me towards being involved with sex worker rights issues. Although concepts of identity are fraught for me, my biggest and most stable identity is always whore activist.

I find myself using some of the tools of LGBTIQ liberation in my sex worker rights work; outness and visibility, community development and identity politics. Not all sex worker activists use these tools. Often the impacts of sex worker phobia are so big that even activists chose a path of least disclosure to avoid stigma. The impact of my visibility on my own life - even though consciously chosen, has been huge. It has been really isolating, sometimes other sex workers won’t want to spend time around me, in case it is assumed that they are sex workers by association. Ultimately, I have avoided the closet in all my various identities, because I’m proud of who I am and my choices. The intersections of all those parts of me bring me richness and unique insights. I wouldn’t have my life any less complex, because that would signal a loss of meaning.

If you want to ask me a question about sex work, do it here.

Ask the Whore

I've had many, many of those conversations I refer to as 'sex work 101' with people, where people know I'm a sex worker, and want to check out bad movie/ media stereotypes about sex work, or just find out what it's like to be a sex worker. It can get a wee bit draining after the 50,000th time you're asked the same questions, but it feels important that the community education happens. And I'd rather people hear from me than Sheila Jeffreys et al, or the religious right, or the mainstream media.

There is the odd time where it would feel easier to just have a pamphlet to hand out, Anyway, instead I've decided to post responses to frequently asked questions on this blog. Please ask any questions about sex work you'd like - don't worry about appearing clueless, trust me I've heard it all. If you want to post anonomously, feel free, and for those of you that know my email address, you can email me questions, instead. When I have enough, I'll do a big FAQ post. Thanks!

The Big Reveal

I’ve been out to Hellfire last Friday and to Sly Fox on Wednesday. Hellfire was fun. The last time I went, there was so many sleazy str8 guys wearing street clothes perving on the freaks and scantily clad women that I was a little put off. This time it was much better. Zoo was a beautiful human Christmas tree!

As I’ve been out and about I’ve run into people who I haven’t chatted to much lately, who let me know they’ve been reading this blog, and liking it. It was very nice to get positive feedback, but made me feel oddly vulnerable for a few moments. I’m not under any illusions that what is published in cyberspace is private, and with my activism, outness and performance, I’ve never been someone who exists solely in the private sphere. This blog was never going to be a series of random secrets and bitching. However, I did start thinking about what drives me to be so open and revealing of myself….

An intersex activist in Adelaide was speaking at a Feast forum on sex and gender a few years ago, and talked about how intersex people use their bodies as educational tools when giving others an insight into intersex issues. I thought about that at the time, and I feel that I use my lived experience a lot in making connections with others, increasing awareness about marginalised communities I identify with, and also as a way of offering support and shared experience for those people who have connected/similar happenings in their lives.

How public I am about my sex work/ queerness/ mental health issues is also a way of refusing stigma. I understand why many people can’t be open about these issues. They risk family and friends disowning them, possibly losing jobs or children. However, I can’t help feeling as if silence around this stuff contributes to stigma. Instead of arranging my points of marginalisation so that they fit into a closet and don’t impact on my life, I’ve arranged my life so I don’t have to be closeted. I chose to walk away from my biological family; I’ve chosen to only go for non-sex work jobs that allow me to be out about my work. I’ve tried really hard to keep my life free of bigots.

I’ve spent a lot of time challenging bigots in the public realm, like talk radio debates as an out sex worker with representatives from the Catholic Education Office in SA on sex work law reform. I don’t feel like I can do those things and be fighting the same battles with loved ones. It would just be exhausting. I need to be accepted, nurtured and celebrated in my private world in order to go into battle. I can’t be apologising for who I am, or never debriefing about a hard day, lest it reinforce a negative stereotype. I can’t be managing the embarrassment and discomfort of partners or family while I’m having things shoved up me on stage, or doing some sex positive education session at an event.

I refuse to take on the idea that depression, sex work or queerness are shameful, or need to be hidden. I feel like by my openness and normalising of these qualities must help in normalising them for others. After all, unlike heterosexuality, depression seems both normal and common…. and unlike homosexuality, depression can be cured if you seek support.

I think my approach to changing the world seems to be to imagine a world which feels safe for me and my kin, and live as if it’s already here. Sometimes this technique can hypnotise entire crowds into believing that queer dyke whores with mental health issues are the coolest people in the world. ;)

Spending your life trying desperately for safety and shying away from revealing anything sounds incredibly isolating to me. And far from avoiding stigma, for me it would be a daily reinforcement. However, I try to remember a statistic I heard many years ago – only about 4% of any community are activists. So it makes sense that not everyone has the kind of personality that embraces crusading for liberation at the expense of a truely private life.

If you stumble about Her Royal Whoreness, add a comment please. Tell me what you agree or disagree with. Interactivity is one of the joys of blogging.

A Retraction

I take back some of my earlier comments on the Hair Monster post.... apparently it takes a femme to know what to do with all that hair....

The Pick-up line of the century

“You’re really beautiful, and you’d look even better with your fingers up my arse”

I was delivered this line a couple of weeks ago; it was so good, I had to record it.