Thursday, March 08, 2007
I've been pretty stressed since about September last year. Having to do lots of organising work, which is so far from being my forte, it may as well be the work of a diesel mechanic, along with a death, and ongoing financial issues (thanks to the Howard government economic and welfare reforms the sex industry is ridiculously oversupplied and is now a very unpleasant buyers market), my coping mechanisms, such as they are, no longer exist.
I have been experiencing such reduced social skills, that my tiny bit of MG swanning about has meant strange, awkward conversations - which is a bit sad, as those conversations have been with people I like a lot, and would like to know better. Waking up tired, and going to sleep with a list of things I couldn't fit into my day rattling around in my head. Last years plan of socialising madly to counteract isolation as both the symptom and cause of depression - which seemed like such a nice idea to start with - has spiralled out of control. I need to step off the rollercoaster, and I need to do it now.
Over the last week - my body has let me know in the most unpleasant way possible that I need to take action, in terms of self care, and to take ruthless measures around reducing this ongoing stress. For a femme who would rather lose a limb than cut my hair, this is the biggest red flag ever. A circle of hair close to my hair line is missing. I have a bald patch! It's only about a centimetre in diameter, but this has terrified me. If I don't stop being so damned stressed, I may lose the lot! Okay, so it's vain and superficial to be worried about hair, but my hair - big, messy and careening, all uncontrolled, untamed and just-been-fucked has been the ultimate symbol of all the things about my personality that I like and want to preserve. I also have a sneaking suspicion that without big hair, I'd look like a girlier version of Bert Newton. Even if this is unlikely, I have no intention of finding out for sure.
Damn my body for using such drastic persuasion. Couldn't I just start developing migraines, nervous tics and sleep walking? Must pull back, must destress, must eat better, must listen to dolphin CDs, must pay attention to my needs, must get some damn sleep.